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Onion News Network
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The department of homeland security
has confirmed that a terrorist attack, |
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on the nation's capitol was cancelled,
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because it posed too great a risk
to twilight author, Stephanie Meyer. |
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Law enforcement officials
were alerted to the plot, |
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where terrorist chatter was detected
by NSA intercepts. |
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We are cancelling the operation.
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I don't understand.
We have been planning this for months. |
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We received information that
Stephanie Meyer will be making an appearance |
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Praise Allah! Will Robert Pattinson
or Kristen Stewart be there? |
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Maybe, I'm not sure,
but there's a big line already. |
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We have to get over there!
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We're joined now by terrorist and expert,
Omar Al-Farouq of Al-Qaeda. |
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Thank you for being here sir.
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It sounds like the US barely avoided
a major attack here, is that right? |
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Yes, for the moment, Al-Qaeda simply
could not risk killing the woman |
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who captured the alienation
and special attention |
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to adolescence so beautifully,
in her book series. |
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How deadly could this attack have been?
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We're hearing estimates of five
to ten thousand lives. |
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Yes, the devastation would
have been shocking. |
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Worse than when Sam transformed into
his wolf self and slashed his beloved Emily |
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with his magnificent claw.
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The CIA has information that dealing
with the cancellation of this attack |
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caused disputes within Al-Qaeda's top ranks.
Is this true? |
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There have always been fashions.
Certain people believe, |
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that Stephanie Meyer should
be stoned to death, |
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for accompanying Jacob Black with
so much heart ache. |
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Osama Bin Laden himself was
a member of team Jacob. |
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All right, that would explain
the photos we acquired last year. |
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Someone had suggested that it was
related to the twilight series |
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but it hardly seemed possible at the time.
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Why? The themes are universal.
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Perhaps, but still, I mean, intelligence.
officials thought... |
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That the books are for kids.
This is what you're thinking, yes? |
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That is the height of arrogance. You know,
if you give them a chance, |
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you will be hooked,
or my mother is a Jew. |
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All right, well the last novel of
the twilight series was published in 2008. |
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Why does Al-Qaeda care if
Mrs. Meyers is alive or not? |
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Well, that is, wow! I don't believe that
that thought is streaming from your lips. |
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You know, she could always use
the work of midnight sun, |
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or write another book from
a different point of view. |
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All right, earlier today,
Al-Qaeda released a video |
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claiming responsibility
for the failed attack, |
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as well as another that seems to be a shot
for shot remake of the scene from new moon. |
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Yes, that was Al-Qaeda's re-imagining
of the movie. |
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Chris Weitz who directed the
original should be sliced from top to belly |
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and strung from a tree,
for what he did to that glorious book. |
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That's all the time we have, Mr. Al-Farouq.
Thank you for being with us today. |
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And now, breaking news,
the hard-drive containing Shakira's voice, |
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has been destroyed in a bus accident.
|
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A lot of networks report
the news as it happens. |
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00:02:42 |
ONN has the power to report
the news before it happens, |
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through our new state of the arts,world
satellite, |
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the Onion News Network feature channel,
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brings you exclusive news transmitions
from the year 2137. |
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Because to stay ahead in today's world,
you need to know, |
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what's going to happen in tomorrows.
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Still ahead this hour...
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Crack Foal born addicted to crack.
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