Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti
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Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting of a cop show called "Hard Case," and an area man le (More)
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00:00:04 00:00:07 A local grandmother is beginning to realize that her family never even looked
00:00:07 00:00:10 for a better nursing home; a man leaves a father-daughter dance with
00:00:10 00:00:13 a different girl than he came with; and an earthquake late warning system goes
00:00:13 00:00:16 off in Haiti. Watch as yet another precious fraction of
00:00:16 00:00:21 your life passes mercilessly in front of your very eyes - this is The Onion Week in Review.
00:00:21 00:00:24 Shortly after discovering he had locked himself outside of his suburban home
00:00:24 00:00:28 Thursday, fully nude claims adjuster David Ronzo delivered a moving
00:00:28 00:00:31 and thought-provoking treatise on the frailty of the human condition to a slowly
00:00:32 00:00:35 gathering crowd of his neighbors. Ronzo who initially panicked when he
00:00:35 00:00:39 realized he was naked soon turned and faced confused passersby and delivered
00:00:39 00:00:43 a stirring oration on the grim facts of mortality along with the indomitable
00:00:43 00:00:47 nature of the human spirit. I stand before you naked, exposed to the
00:00:47 00:00:51 world, completely vulnerable and without recourse.
00:00:52 00:00:56 But should I become the object of your ridicule and derision?
00:00:56 00:01:02 Debra, Debra, I'm locked outside and I'm completely naked - Debra.
00:01:02 00:01:06 A report released Tuesday by physicists at Stanford University revealed that the
00:01:06 00:01:10 entire known universe, from the whole of human civilization to the totality of
00:01:10 00:01:13 matter and energy, is actually the fictional setting of a cop show called
00:01:13 00:01:14 Hard Case.
00:01:15 00:01:18 According to authors of the report measurements of cosmic energy levels
00:01:18 00:01:22 indicated that existence as we know it was created solely to provide the framework
00:01:22 00:01:26 for the primetime drama that airs weekly in a parallel universe and that every
00:01:26 00:01:29 historical even prior to the show's September 2008 pilot, including the
00:01:30 00:01:33 Renaissance, World War II, Evolution, the September 11th Attacks, and the
00:01:33 00:01:37 Presidential Administrations of Washington through Clinton never actually happened
00:01:37 00:01:41 and are merely part of the elaborate back story crafter by Hard Case creator
00:01:41 00:01:42 and show runner Dominic Egan.
00:01:43 00:01:45 We have to believe that our universe operates under mutable laws of
00:01:46 00:01:49 thermodynamics and gravitational relativity but now we know everything just
00:01:49 00:01:54 comes to the mind of Hard Case's 12 staff writers. Overall it seems like a very well written show.
00:01:54 00:01:58 Physicists have theorized that the universe as we know it will cease to exist
00:01:58 00:02:00 whenever Hard Case airs its final episode.
00:02:01 00:02:05 Software developer Rosetta Stone announced the release of a new three CD-Rom
00:02:05 00:02:09 Hungarian language program, the first disk of which is dedicated almost entirely to
00:02:09 00:02:12 getting users to rethink learning Hungarian all together.
00:02:12 00:02:17 Think about this really hard for one second. Do you really want to learn Hungarian?
00:02:17 00:02:20 Really Hungarian? Come on, there's Spanish, French,
00:02:20 00:02:22 even German - why are you doing this?
00:02:22 00:02:25 And in election news Ann Romney tells reporters her husband has a deeply
00:02:25 00:02:28 principled side no one ever sees in public.
00:02:28 00:02:32 In other news a man is arrested for stealing over $50,000 worth of beards from
00:02:32 00:02:36 Hank Williams Jr.; a pretty lady is playing hard to follow;
00:02:36 00:02:40 and a dog named Morph lives up to his name. This week's episode was edited by The
00:02:40 00:02:44 Onion Review's news summer intern Andrew Tello from the University of Maryland.
00:02:44 00:02:48 He's very talented. For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat.
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