| 00:00:04 |
00:00:07 |
A local grandmother is beginning to realize
that her family never even looked |
| 00:00:07 |
00:00:10 |
for a better nursing home; a man leaves
a father-daughter dance with |
| 00:00:10 |
00:00:13 |
a different girl than he came with; and
an earthquake late warning system goes |
| 00:00:13 |
00:00:16 |
off in Haiti.
Watch as yet another precious fraction of |
| 00:00:16 |
00:00:21 |
your life passes mercilessly in front of
your very eyes - this is The Onion Week in Review. |
| 00:00:21 |
00:00:24 |
Shortly after discovering he had locked
himself outside of his suburban home |
| 00:00:24 |
00:00:28 |
Thursday, fully nude claims adjuster
David Ronzo delivered a moving |
| 00:00:28 |
00:00:31 |
and thought-provoking treatise on the frailty
of the human condition to a slowly |
| 00:00:32 |
00:00:35 |
gathering crowd of his neighbors.
Ronzo who initially panicked when he |
| 00:00:35 |
00:00:39 |
realized he was naked soon turned and
faced confused passersby and delivered |
| 00:00:39 |
00:00:43 |
a stirring oration on the grim facts
of mortality along with the indomitable |
| 00:00:43 |
00:00:47 |
nature of the human spirit.
I stand before you naked, exposed to the |
| 00:00:47 |
00:00:51 |
world, completely vulnerable and without recourse. |
| 00:00:52 |
00:00:56 |
But should I become the object
of your ridicule and derision? |
| 00:00:56 |
00:01:02 |
Debra, Debra, I'm locked outside and
I'm completely naked - Debra. |
| 00:01:02 |
00:01:06 |
A report released Tuesday by physicists
at Stanford University revealed that the |
| 00:01:06 |
00:01:10 |
entire known universe, from the whole
of human civilization to the totality of |
| 00:01:10 |
00:01:13 |
matter and energy, is actually the fictional
setting of a cop show called |
| 00:01:13 |
00:01:14 |
Hard Case. |
| 00:01:15 |
00:01:18 |
According to authors of the report measurements
of cosmic energy levels |
| 00:01:18 |
00:01:22 |
indicated that existence as we know it was
created solely to provide the framework |
| 00:01:22 |
00:01:26 |
for the primetime drama that airs weekly
in a parallel universe and that every |
| 00:01:26 |
00:01:29 |
historical even prior to the show's
September 2008 pilot, including the |
| 00:01:30 |
00:01:33 |
Renaissance, World War II, Evolution,
the September 11th Attacks, and the |
| 00:01:33 |
00:01:37 |
Presidential Administrations of Washington
through Clinton never actually happened |
| 00:01:37 |
00:01:41 |
and are merely part of the elaborate back
story crafter by Hard Case creator |
| 00:01:41 |
00:01:42 |
and show runner Dominic Egan. |
| 00:01:43 |
00:01:45 |
We have to believe that our universe
operates under mutable laws of |
| 00:01:46 |
00:01:49 |
thermodynamics and gravitational relativity
but now we know everything just |
| 00:01:49 |
00:01:54 |
comes to the mind of Hard Case's 12 staff writers.
Overall it seems like a very well written show. |
| 00:01:54 |
00:01:58 |
Physicists have theorized that the universe
as we know it will cease to exist |
| 00:01:58 |
00:02:00 |
whenever Hard Case airs its final episode. |
| 00:02:01 |
00:02:05 |
Software developer Rosetta Stone announced
the release of a new three CD-Rom |
| 00:02:05 |
00:02:09 |
Hungarian language program, the first disk
of which is dedicated almost entirely to |
| 00:02:09 |
00:02:12 |
getting users to rethink learning
Hungarian all together. |
| 00:02:12 |
00:02:17 |
Think about this really hard for one second.
Do you really want to learn Hungarian? |
| 00:02:17 |
00:02:20 |
Really Hungarian? Come on,
there's Spanish, French, |
| 00:02:20 |
00:02:22 |
even German - why are you doing this? |
| 00:02:22 |
00:02:25 |
And in election news Ann Romney tells
reporters her husband has a deeply |
| 00:02:25 |
00:02:28 |
principled side no one ever sees in public. |
| 00:02:28 |
00:02:32 |
In other news a man is arrested for stealing
over $50,000 worth of beards from |
| 00:02:32 |
00:02:36 |
Hank Williams Jr.; a pretty lady
is playing hard to follow; |
| 00:02:36 |
00:02:40 |
and a dog named Morph lives up to his name.
This week's episode was edited by The |
| 00:02:40 |
00:02:44 |
Onion Review's news summer intern Andrew
Tello from the University of Maryland. |
| 00:02:44 |
00:02:48 |
He's very talented.
For more visit theonion.com/newsbeat. |
