Earthquake Late-Warning System Goes Off In Haiti
Primary Language: English
Ann Romney says her husband has a deeply principled side no one ever sees in public, physicists discover that our universe is the fictional setting of a cop show called "Hard Case," and an area man le (More)
My Recent Work
You did not do any work on this video
Information Tags
Timing Category Subcategory Tag
No Information Tags Available for this video
Subtitles in: English
Start End Subtitles
00:00:04 00:00:07 A local grandmother is beginning to realize that her family never even looked
00:00:07 00:00:10 for a better nursing home; a man leaves a father-daughter dance with
00:00:10 00:00:13 a different girl than he came with; and an earthquake late warning system goes
00:00:13 00:00:16 off in Haiti. Watch as yet another precious fraction of
00:00:16 00:00:21 your life passes mercilessly in front of your very eyes - this is The Onion Week in Review.
00:00:21 00:00:24 Shortly after discovering he had locked himself outside of his suburban home
00:00:24 00:00:28 Thursday, fully nude claims adjuster David Ronzo delivered a moving
00:00:28 00:00:31 and thought-provoking treatise on the frailty of the human condition to a slowly
00:00:32 00:00:35 gathering crowd of his neighbors. Ronzo who initially panicked when he
00:00:35 00:00:39 realized he was naked soon turned and faced confused passersby and delivered
00:00:39 00:00:43 a stirring oration on the grim facts of mortality along with the indomitable
00:00:43 00:00:47 nature of the human spirit. I stand before you naked, exposed to the
00:00:47 00:00:51 world, completely vulnerable and without recourse.
00:00:52 00:00:56 But should I become the object of your ridicule and derision?
00:00:56 00:01:02 Debra, Debra, I'm locked outside and I'm completely naked - Debra.
00:01:02 00:01:06 A report released Tuesday by physicists at Stanford University revealed that the
00:01:06 00:01:10 entire known universe, from the whole of human civilization to the totality of
00:01:10 00:01:13 matter and energy, is actually the fictional setting of a cop show called
00:01:13 00:01:14 Hard Case.
00:01:15 00:01:18 According to authors of the report measurements of cosmic energy levels
00:01:18 00:01:22 indicated that existence as we know it was created solely to provide the framework
00:01:22 00:01:26 for the primetime drama that airs weekly in a parallel universe and that every
00:01:26 00:01:29 historical even prior to the show's September 2008 pilot, including the
00:01:30 00:01:33 Renaissance, World War II, Evolution, the September 11th Attacks, and the
00:01:33 00:01:37 Presidential Administrations of Washington through Clinton never actually happened
00:01:37 00:01:41 and are merely part of the elaborate back story crafter by Hard Case creator
00:01:41 00:01:42 and show runner Dominic Egan.
00:01:43 00:01:45 We have to believe that our universe operates under mutable laws of
00:01:46 00:01:49 thermodynamics and gravitational relativity but now we know everything just
00:01:49 00:01:54 comes to the mind of Hard Case's 12 staff writers. Overall it seems like a very well written show.
00:01:54 00:01:58 Physicists have theorized that the universe as we know it will cease to exist
00:01:58 00:02:00 whenever Hard Case airs its final episode.
00:02:01 00:02:05 Software developer Rosetta Stone announced the release of a new three CD-Rom
00:02:05 00:02:09 Hungarian language program, the first disk of which is dedicated almost entirely to
00:02:09 00:02:12 getting users to rethink learning Hungarian all together.
00:02:12 00:02:17 Think about this really hard for one second. Do you really want to learn Hungarian?
00:02:17 00:02:20 Really Hungarian? Come on, there's Spanish, French,
00:02:20 00:02:22 even German - why are you doing this?
00:02:22 00:02:25 And in election news Ann Romney tells reporters her husband has a deeply
00:02:25 00:02:28 principled side no one ever sees in public.
00:02:28 00:02:32 In other news a man is arrested for stealing over $50,000 worth of beards from
00:02:32 00:02:36 Hank Williams Jr.; a pretty lady is playing hard to follow;
00:02:36 00:02:40 and a dog named Morph lives up to his name. This week's episode was edited by The
00:02:40 00:02:44 Onion Review's news summer intern Andrew Tello from the University of Maryland.
00:02:44 00:02:48 He's very talented. For more visit
Copy and paste the embed code above
Copy and paste the embed code above