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00:00:06 |
The Prime Minister of Norway
gets laid. |
| 00:00:06 |
00:00:08 |
Grandma upgrades
to a cordless land line. |
| 00:00:08 |
00:00:10 |
And George R.R. Martin
assures fans |
| 00:00:10 |
00:00:13 |
that these last two are going
to be real turds. |
| 00:00:13 |
00:00:15 |
Welcome to a new year
filled with fresh and vivid reminders |
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00:00:17 |
of your own mortality.
|
| 00:00:17 |
00:00:19 |
This is The Onion
Week in Review. |
| 00:00:19 |
00:00:21 |
President Obama openly asked
the nation this week |
| 00:00:21 |
00:00:23 |
why on Earth he would want
to serve for another term. |
| 00:00:23 |
00:00:25 |
Citing idiotic questions
about his birth certificate, |
| 00:00:26 |
00:00:29 |
overt racism, partisan rancor,
a hopeless economy, Eric Cantor |
| 00:00:30 |
00:00:32 |
and the existence of people
of literally want to shoot him dead, |
| 00:00:32 |
00:00:33 |
Obama asked a crowd
of supporters |
| 00:00:34 |
00:00:36 |
to give him one, just one reason
for seeking reelection. |
| 00:00:37 |
00:00:39 |
As of Friday, Beltway insiders
are responding favorably |
| 00:00:39 |
00:00:40 |
to this new, impassioned Obama
|
| 00:00:41 |
00:00:43 |
saying he reminds them
of the Obama of old |
| 00:00:43 |
00:00:46 |
before a nonsensical political
system and insane populace |
| 00:00:46 |
00:00:48 |
tore away his humanity
and left him for dead. |
| 00:00:48 |
00:00:51 |
Citing his erratic social behavior,
nondescript occupation |
| 00:00:51 |
00:00:53 |
and habit of accidentally
walking off peers |
| 00:00:53 |
00:00:55 |
while pretending
to read newspapers, |
| 00:00:55 |
00:00:57 |
acquaintances of 37 year old
Jeff Walther |
| 00:00:57 |
00:00:59 |
suspect he may be
a bumbling spy. |
| 00:00:59 |
00:01:02 |
Walther, whose mysterious
background and understated style |
| 00:01:02 |
00:01:05 |
are matched only by his lack
of balance and coordination, |
| 00:01:05 |
00:01:06 |
sat down with an Onion reporter
|
| 00:01:06 |
00:01:09 |
to discuss the local office
analyst job he claims to have. |
| 00:01:09 |
00:01:11 |
A lot of people think
it's probably very exciting |
| 00:01:11 |
00:01:16 |
but honestly it's kind of boring.
It's a lot of paperwork. |
| 00:01:18 |
00:01:20 |
I'll be right back.
|
| 00:01:25 |
00:01:27 |
Residents of Worcester,
Massachusetts |
| 00:01:27 |
00:01:29 |
are kind of hoping
a Panera Bread will show up |
| 00:01:29 |
00:01:31 |
and plow over an obnoxious
neighborhood bakery. |
| 00:01:31 |
00:01:33 |
Locals have said that the soulless
restaurant chain |
| 00:01:33 |
00:01:35 |
with its simple,
impersonal experience |
| 00:01:35 |
00:01:36 |
would be just the thing
to help run |
| 00:01:37 |
00:01:39 |
the precious little mom and pop
establishment out of business. |
| 00:01:40 |
00:01:41 |
Callahan's is really lovely
and all |
| 00:01:42 |
00:01:44 |
but it would be such a relief
to have some college-aged kid |
| 00:01:44 |
00:01:46 |
take my order
without making eye contact. |
| 00:01:46 |
00:01:49 |
I just need a cup of coffee.
We're not friends. |
| 00:01:49 |
00:01:51 |
A follow-up survey
of Worcester residents |
| 00:01:51 |
00:01:54 |
confirmed that 72% of patrons
would rather be alerted of an order |
| 00:01:55 |
00:01:57 |
by a vibrating pager
than a kind-faced woman |
| 00:01:57 |
00:01:58 |
who calls everybody sweetheart.
|
| 00:01:59 |
00:02:00 |
It sports, NFL coaches
admitted this week |
| 00:02:01 |
00:02:02 |
that it sucks
when you have to punt |
| 00:02:02 |
00:02:04 |
because that means
you don't have the ball anymore. |
| 00:02:04 |
00:02:08 |
In other news, Feds break up a brutal
Las Vegas man-fighting ring. |
| 00:02:08 |
00:02:11 |
A Christmas card ominously
makes no mention of the twins. |
| 00:02:11 |
00:02:13 |
And the boy scouts
celebrate 100 years |
| 00:02:13 |
00:02:16 |
of preparing teens
for not having cool friends. |
| 00:02:16 |
00:02:18 |
Great job, you watched
a two minute video |
| 00:02:18 |
00:02:19 |
on a computer screen.
|
| 00:02:19 |
00:02:21 |
Where shall we mail
your medal to, dipshit? |
| 00:02:21 |
00:02:25 |
For more visit
theonion.com/newsbeat |