| 00:00:11 |
00:00:14 |
I'm Julianna McKannis
filling in for Clifford Banes |
| 00:00:14 |
00:00:17 |
who is standing over a bound
and gagged man with a shovel |
| 00:00:17 |
00:00:19 |
wondering if he has the guts
to go through with it. |
| 00:00:19 |
00:00:21 |
With so many newspapers
struggling financially, |
| 00:00:21 |
00:00:24 |
some analysts fear the print media
is in danger of collapsing. |
| 00:00:24 |
00:00:27 |
But if newspapers disappear,
what will crazy old loons |
| 00:00:28 |
00:00:30 |
fill their dusty, cluttered
houses with? |
| 00:00:30 |
00:00:33 |
This is a real crisis.
If the print media dies |
| 00:00:33 |
00:00:36 |
loons will have nothing
to stack in huge piles |
| 00:00:36 |
00:00:38 |
in every corner of their home.
-Robert is right. |
| 00:00:38 |
00:00:40 |
Since the time
of the American Revolution |
| 00:00:40 |
00:00:42 |
reclusive loons
have been hoarding newspapers. |
| 00:00:42 |
00:00:45 |
Look times change, loons will just
have to find something else to stack. |
| 00:00:45 |
00:00:47 |
Speaking as a loon myself...
-You're a loon? |
| 00:00:47 |
00:00:50 |
Yes! My home is a maze
of old newspapers |
| 00:00:50 |
00:00:52 |
stacked from floor to ceiling.
-I didn't know that. |
| 00:00:53 |
00:00:56 |
How could you? No other living person
has set foot inside my house |
| 00:00:56 |
00:00:58 |
in 14 years. -Listen, the death
of the newspaper |
| 00:00:59 |
00:01:02 |
is going to affect a lot more
than just a bunch of crazy old loons. |
| 00:01:02 |
00:01:05 |
Damn! -There are people
all over this country |
| 00:01:05 |
00:01:07 |
that depend on newspapers to cover
the floor of their garage |
| 00:01:08 |
00:01:09 |
when they're trying
to paint something. |
| 00:01:09 |
00:01:12 |
Now I love newspapers as much
as any half crazed pack-rat hermit, |
| 00:01:13 |
00:01:15 |
but the future of the news
is the internet, plain and simple. |
| 00:01:16 |
00:01:18 |
Oh come on David, kindergarten teachers
aren't going to have any newspaper |
| 00:01:18 |
00:01:21 |
to make their paper-mâché
piñatas out of. -Oh come on! |
| 00:01:22 |
00:01:24 |
Besides that internet news
is completely unreliable. |
| 00:01:25 |
00:01:27 |
That's right.
-Big piles of printout fall right over |
| 00:01:28 |
00:01:29 |
once they catch on something.
-Exactly. |
| 00:01:30 |
00:01:32 |
I acknowledge the stackability
of newspapers. |
| 00:01:32 |
00:01:35 |
Thank you! Because stacking
is a treasured pastime of loons, |
| 00:01:35 |
00:01:39 |
something I've dreamed about
my son being able to do |
| 00:01:39 |
00:01:40 |
when he loses his mind.
|
| 00:01:40 |
00:01:42 |
But loons have learned
to adapt in the past, |
| 00:01:42 |
00:01:44 |
I mean before newspapers
shut-ins and crazies |
| 00:01:44 |
00:01:49 |
hoarded animal bones and wax figures.
-You cannot insulate your clothes |
| 00:01:49 |
00:01:51 |
with animal bones.
-Now some people believe |
| 00:01:51 |
00:01:54 |
that the government should step in
and give financial support |
| 00:01:54 |
00:01:58 |
to the newspaper industry in order
to preserve the loon way of life. |
| 00:01:58 |
00:02:00 |
No, we already subsidize Amtrak
for the benefit of the loons |
| 00:02:00 |
00:02:02 |
costing the taxpayers
millions of dollars. |
| 00:02:02 |
00:02:06 |
Well Robert, as a loon do you think-
-6, 56, 22. |
| 00:02:06 |
00:02:09 |
Robert? -17, 49...
-Well. |
