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Madam Speaker, I will now
read the text of HR517, |
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the First Lady Impunity Act.
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Which would grant immediate and
retroactive immunity to any person |
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or persons who got extremely drunk
and tried to kiss Michelle Obama |
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at a recent White House function.
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Section One, The sighting
on unusual circumstances |
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that may have led to the
aforementioned shameful acts . |
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Subsection A, the constant offers of white
wine to congressmen who rarely drink. |
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Especially any that came to the
event with an empty stomach, |
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but have a severe nut allergy,
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so can't really eat passed
hors devours. |
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Subsection B, the exceptionally friendly
nature of the First Lady's casual banter, |
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which could be mistaken
for flirting, by someone |
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in a compromised
mental state. |
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Immunity would extend
to any and all activities |
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leading up to the
unfortunate incident. |
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Including subsection A, complimenting
Michelle Obama's fashion sense |
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while touching the
sleeve of her dress. |
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Subsection B, telling Mrs. Obama that
women in power are so sensual. |
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Subsection C, surprising the First Lady
by sneaking up from behind |
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and delicately placing one's
fingertips on her hips |
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and whispering
"Now's our chance." |
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Subsection D, calling Mrs. Obama,
"A beautiful queen" |
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and "so fierce."
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Subsection F, leaning in and attempting to
take Michelle Obama in his arms and kiss her. |
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And subsection F1, after recognition of the
pity and disgust in the First Lady's eyes, |
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and attempting to play it off as, like
he wasn't even trying to kiss her, |
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you just stumble
forwards accidentally. |
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STILL AHEAD: FEMA ALLOCATES $200
MILLION TO DESIGN BIGGER SANDBAGS. |