| 00:00:00 |
00:00:03 |
From the discovery of the first
lesbian in a Guatamalan jungle |
| 00:00:04 |
00:00:09 |
in 1957, to the day in 1918
when a lazy ass Thomas Eddison |
| 00:00:09 |
00:00:11 |
just sat around and invented
jack shit, |
| 00:00:12 |
00:00:15 |
the Onion looks back at this week
in history. |
| 00:00:17 |
00:00:22 |
On May 6th 1937, the explosion
of the German passenger ship, Hindenberg |
| 00:00:22 |
00:00:25 |
brought cheer to an entire generation
of Americans in the midst |
| 00:00:25 |
00:00:27 |
of the Great Depression.
|
| 00:00:27 |
00:00:30 |
The souls of the American people
were fleetingly revitalized |
| 00:00:30 |
00:00:32 |
by the flame engulfed Zeppelin.
|
| 00:00:32 |
00:00:35 |
And the shrill screams of burning
passengers |
| 00:00:35 |
00:00:37 |
leaping to their heart warming deaths.
|
| 00:00:38 |
00:00:39 |
Oh my, it's burst into flames.
|
| 00:00:39 |
00:00:42 |
The burning ambers and charred flesh
are cascading splendidly |
| 00:00:43 |
00:00:44 |
onto the morning nast.
|
| 00:00:44 |
00:00:46 |
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most
terrific thing I've ever seen. |
| 00:00:47 |
00:00:49 |
Oh, the luminosity, the gayety.
|
| 00:00:49 |
00:00:54 |
On May 3rd, 1973 in Chicago Illinois,
the Sears tower |
| 00:00:54 |
00:00:58 |
became the worlds tallest skyscraper
with a bold challange to god |
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00:01:00 |
engraved directly on its roof.
|
| 00:01:00 |
00:01:03 |
The immense 108 story structure was
designed by architects |
| 00:01:03 |
00:01:04 |
and city officials.
|
| 00:01:05 |
00:01:07 |
As an attempt to let the supreme
creator know that |
| 00:01:07 |
00:01:09 |
if he's got a problem he could
either stay up in heaven, |
| 00:01:10 |
00:01:12 |
like a little bitch, or settle
things once and for all |
| 00:01:12 |
00:01:15 |
by nutting up and coming down
to earth. |
| 00:01:15 |
00:01:17 |
Fuck you.
|
| 00:01:17 |
00:01:20 |
Fuck you god.
|
| 00:01:20 |
00:01:22 |
Thousands of tourists
soon came from countries |
| 00:01:22 |
00:01:24 |
around the world,
to stand atop the building's |
| 00:01:24 |
00:01:27 |
famous 1353 foot high sky deck
|
| 00:01:28 |
00:01:30 |
and openly provoke god.
-Son of a bitch. |
| 00:01:30 |
00:01:33 |
When the building first opened,
god never responded |
| 00:01:33 |
00:01:35 |
to the challenges.
But he must've been called |
| 00:01:36 |
00:01:39 |
"dickless" one too many times,
because in 1986 |
| 00:01:39 |
00:01:41 |
god's mighty fist plunged through
the clouds |
| 00:01:42 |
00:01:45 |
and just squashed a father of
four right where he stood. |
| 00:01:45 |
00:01:48 |
You can read all about it in my
new book, and not my colleague, |
| 00:01:49 |
00:01:51 |
Prof. Kaufman's new book,
which only took him a year |
| 00:01:51 |
00:01:54 |
to write, whereas mine took nearly
a decade. |
| 00:01:56 |
00:01:57 |
Look,
|
| 00:01:58 |
00:02:01 |
Prof. Eric Kaufman is a hack and a
fraud and he knows it. |
| 00:02:02 |
00:02:04 |
He drives around in that god gamn new
car of his, |
| 00:02:04 |
00:02:06 |
like he's god's gift.
|
| 00:02:07 |
00:02:09 |
Well, fuck him.
|
| 00:02:10 |
00:02:14 |
Fuck him and his wife and his
two little stupid fucking children, |
| 00:02:14 |
00:02:18 |
and his whole fucking perfect fulfilling
fucking life. |
| 00:02:18 |
00:02:20 |
The impetus for building the Sears
tower |
| 00:02:20 |
00:02:23 |
came after many Americans felt
that god simply couldn't see |
| 00:02:23 |
00:02:27 |
the two middle fingers atop of New
York city's Twin Towers. |
| 00:02:28 |
00:02:33 |
And on May 7th 2000, Vladimir Putin
became President of Russia |
| 00:02:33 |
00:02:36 |
after promising citizens he could
bend anything they gave him |
| 00:02:36 |
00:02:38 |
with just his bare hands.
|
| 00:02:40 |
00:02:43 |
And that was what happened
this week in history. |
| 00:02:43 |
00:02:46 |
In the words of the Italian
philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli, |
| 00:02:46 |
00:02:49 |
"Whoever want to forsee the future
must first look at the past, |
| 00:02:50 |
00:02:54 |
"and then imagine all that old stuff
looking more futurey and space-like." |
