This Week In History: Sears Tower Constructed With Bold Challenge To God Engraved On Roof
Primary Language: English
The Onion reflects on the discovery of the first lesbian, the joyous Hindenburg explosion, and the Sears Tower's challenge to God. Subscribe to The Onion on YouTube: Like The Oni (More)
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00:00:00 00:00:03 From the discovery of the first lesbian in a Guatamalan jungle
00:00:04 00:00:09 in 1957, to the day in 1918 when a lazy ass Thomas Eddison
00:00:09 00:00:11 just sat around and invented jack shit,
00:00:12 00:00:15 the Onion looks back at this week in history.
00:00:17 00:00:22 On May 6th 1937, the explosion of the German passenger ship, Hindenberg
00:00:22 00:00:25 brought cheer to an entire generation of Americans in the midst
00:00:25 00:00:27 of the Great Depression.
00:00:27 00:00:30 The souls of the American people were fleetingly revitalized
00:00:30 00:00:32 by the flame engulfed Zeppelin.
00:00:32 00:00:35 And the shrill screams of burning passengers
00:00:35 00:00:37 leaping to their heart warming deaths.
00:00:38 00:00:39 Oh my, it's burst into flames.
00:00:39 00:00:42 The burning ambers and charred flesh are cascading splendidly
00:00:43 00:00:44 onto the morning nast.
00:00:44 00:00:46 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the most terrific thing I've ever seen.
00:00:47 00:00:49 Oh, the luminosity, the gayety.
00:00:49 00:00:54 On May 3rd, 1973 in Chicago Illinois, the Sears tower
00:00:54 00:00:58 became the worlds tallest skyscraper with a bold challange to god
00:00:58 00:01:00 engraved directly on its roof.
00:01:00 00:01:03 The immense 108 story structure was designed by architects
00:01:03 00:01:04 and city officials.
00:01:05 00:01:07 As an attempt to let the supreme creator know that
00:01:07 00:01:09 if he's got a problem he could either stay up in heaven,
00:01:10 00:01:12 like a little bitch, or settle things once and for all
00:01:12 00:01:15 by nutting up and coming down to earth.
00:01:15 00:01:17 Fuck you.
00:01:17 00:01:20 Fuck you god.
00:01:20 00:01:22 Thousands of tourists soon came from countries
00:01:22 00:01:24 around the world, to stand atop the building's
00:01:24 00:01:27 famous 1353 foot high sky deck
00:01:28 00:01:30 and openly provoke god. -Son of a bitch.
00:01:30 00:01:33 When the building first opened, god never responded
00:01:33 00:01:35 to the challenges. But he must've been called
00:01:36 00:01:39 "dickless" one too many times, because in 1986
00:01:39 00:01:41 god's mighty fist plunged through the clouds
00:01:42 00:01:45 and just squashed a father of four right where he stood.
00:01:45 00:01:48 You can read all about it in my new book, and not my colleague,
00:01:49 00:01:51 Prof. Kaufman's new book, which only took him a year
00:01:51 00:01:54 to write, whereas mine took nearly a decade.
00:01:56 00:01:57 Look,
00:01:58 00:02:01 Prof. Eric Kaufman is a hack and a fraud and he knows it.
00:02:02 00:02:04 He drives around in that god gamn new car of his,
00:02:04 00:02:06 like he's god's gift.
00:02:07 00:02:09 Well, fuck him.
00:02:10 00:02:14 Fuck him and his wife and his two little stupid fucking children,
00:02:14 00:02:18 and his whole fucking perfect fulfilling fucking life.
00:02:18 00:02:20 The impetus for building the Sears tower
00:02:20 00:02:23 came after many Americans felt that god simply couldn't see
00:02:23 00:02:27 the two middle fingers atop of New York city's Twin Towers.
00:02:28 00:02:33 And on May 7th 2000, Vladimir Putin became President of Russia
00:02:33 00:02:36 after promising citizens he could bend anything they gave him
00:02:36 00:02:38 with just his bare hands.
00:02:40 00:02:43 And that was what happened this week in history.
00:02:43 00:02:46 In the words of the Italian philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli,
00:02:46 00:02:49 "Whoever want to forsee the future must first look at the past,
00:02:50 00:02:54 "and then imagine all that old stuff looking more futurey and space-like."
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